Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
