Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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