best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
