Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
