The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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