I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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