90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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