Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
