Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
