So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
