I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Randomize
