youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
