I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
