smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
