We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Randomize
