Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
