I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
