I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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