i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
