So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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