WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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