have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
There's always time for handjobs
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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