I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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