If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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