just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
