I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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