I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
