If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
