i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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