theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Randomize
