If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
