You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
May the power of my ass compel you!!
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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