You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
