my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
