I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Randomize
