theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
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