i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
