So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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