enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
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