So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
