Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
