He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
