You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
