gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Randomize
