I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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