I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
