WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
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