Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
