Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Randomize
