I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
