I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
