Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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