I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
