Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
