Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize