I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
