I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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