I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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