She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
He called his prostate his "boner button".
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
