You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
NoShamevember. You game?
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
