your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Randomize
