i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
